Dirty Limericks – Adult Themed Limericks

Show to other lovely people!

Girl on bed likes limericks
She really wants to hear some limericks. Copyright: public domain.

We’ve posted some funny limericks before. They were not ideal for kids, but at the same time they were not overly strong. So here we are back for more and even more brutal. Now here are 4 dirty limericks! They are all taken from the beginning of a new book titled ‘Dirty Limericks’ by Anonymous, which is available to buy now, I’m sure you can work out what the book contains.

These are adult themed so if you are easily offended, you better leave now!

There was a young man from Kildare,
Who was having his girl on the stair,
On the forty-fourth stroke,
The banister broke,
And he finished her off in mid-air!

There was a young girl of Cape Cod,
Who thought babies were fashioned by God,
But it was not the Almighty,
Who lifted her nightie,
It was Roger the lodger, that sod!

There was a young man of Cape Horn,
Who wished he had never been born,
And he wouldn’t have been,
If his father had seen,
That the end of the rubber was torn.

There was a young chap from out yonder,
Who buggered a big anaconda,
He regretted this crime,
For the rest of his time,
While the reptile grew fonder and fonder.

Add Your Own and Read Others

Scroll down now to the comments section where lots of other people have contributed their own fantastic additions. Created a limerick yourself? Don’t forget to submit it. Thanks everyone for the amazing contributions so far.

Books of Limericks

If you love funny limericks check out these books, it would maybe make a nice present for someone who has this sense of humour, or just for yourself of course.

As always, add your own below in the fantastic area for visitors slightly down the page a bit, just scroll that little mouse of yours and you will reach your destination.


Dirty Limericks – Adult Themed Limericks
8.5 (85%) 4 votes

Buy him a curry and a beer and he will love you forever. Loves animals, especially those wearing glasses.


58 thoughts on “Dirty Limericks – Adult Themed Limericks

  1. There once was a man named Lolo
    Whose particular passion was polo
    When asked by a lady
    To find a place shady
    He said ‘I’d rather go solo’

    This fellow he knew a neat trick
    Using a polo stick as a dick
    He’d take to the field
    With his butt tightly sealed
    And the sawed-off end very slick

    Then he would ride ev’ry mile
    With a pathetic, delilirious smile
    For nothing could measure
    The feeling of pleasure
    He got from ramming his pile

    So if by chance you should see
    This fellow I think you’ll agree
    You’ve been very near
    To a self-fucking queer
    Who happens to think he’s a she

  2. Here’s my favorite:

    The was once a man from Nantucket
    Who had a dick so large he could suck it
    He said with a grin
    As he wiped his chin
    If my ear was a cunt I’d fuck it

  3. There was a young man called O’Malley
    Who liked to watch porn on the telly
    He sat on the remote
    Which twisted his scrote
    Now his bollocks both quiver like jelly

  4. There once was a man called Crockett
    Who tried to take off in a rocket
    The rocket went bang
    His balls went twang
    And they found his dick in his pocket

  5. There was an old man from Havana
    Who’d do anything for a tanner
    His favourite trick
    Was to stand on his dick
    And tighten his balls with a spanner

  6. There was an old man from Gwent
    Whose dick was all twisted and bent
    He once shot his load
    Which made him implode
    And instead of coming, he went

  7. The Woman From Soho

    There once was a woman from West Soho
    Who walked with a wiggle on her tip toes
    During the day all the guys turned the other way
    But at night they brought her their pay
    The woman from West Soho made lots of dough

  8. Hickory Dickory Dock
    The whore sucked on my cock
    I shot a round, she choked it down
    Much better than a sock

  9. There once was a young woman from Kent.
    Who went to sleep in a tent
    She screemed that’s a big pole
    will it go in my hole
    But After the event it went bent

  10. Er .. I’ve insanely written a filthy limerick for every town in the UK (Great Britain and Northern Ireland) that didn’t already have one! You can find the results on Amazon, The Great British Limerick Book which has the resulting 900+ limericks in it.

    A couple of them here
    .
    My one for the town of Guildford in Surrey:

    At McDonald’s in Guildford in Surrey
    I spilt coffee on my crotch in a scurry
    I had to act quick
    To cool down my dick
    So I stuck it into my McFlurry

    or my one for the town of Luton (the cleanest one I’ve written!)

    I once went to a bed-shop in Luton
    With nothing but my birthday suit on
    I always get undressed
    Before having a rest
    And I wanted to try out a futon

    or my one for the town of Kettering:

    There was a young man from Kettering
    With a tattoo that would take some bettering
    He had The Birth of Venus
    Reproduced on his penis
    With the title in copperplate lettering

    more at http://www.gb-limericks.com and http://www.scottishlimericks.com

  11. To young men I would like to say something
    If women are not really your thing
    Please don’t try to change
    you may have much more range
    As a top or a bottom or a something

  12. There once was a fellow from Boston
    Whose only car was his Austin
    He had room for his ass
    And a gallon of gas
    But his balls hung out and he lost’em

  13. There once was a man named Billy
    Whose bedmates included a filly
    He felt no remorse
    For bangin’ a horse
    Til’ he found out her name was Willy

    There once was a man named Sam
    Who had a little lamb
    He kept it to screw it
    But then came to rue it
    For it wasn’t a ewe, but a ram

  14. I once met a maiden from Stonebrook Hollow.
    She didn’t talk much but boy did she swallow.
    I have a nice lance that she sat upon.
    The maiden from Stonebrook, who’s also your mom.

  15. There once was a girl from Baleise
    Who’s pussy hair hung to her knees
    The crabs on her twat
    Tied her hairs in a knot
    And constructed a flying trapeze.

  16. I know a young man from Cancoon
    Who’s fart’s could be heard from the moon
    When he’d least expect them
    They’d burst from his rectum
    With the sound of a double bassoon .

  17. There once was a man from Frazini,
    Who spilt some gin on his weenie,
    Not being uncouth,
    He added vermouth,
    And slipped his date a martini.

  18. Did You Hear about Young Johnny Locket,
    Who got Blown down the Street by a rocket?
    The Force of the blast
    Blew his Balls up his ass
    And his pecker was found in his Pocket.

  19. from the depths of the crypt in st. giles, came a bloodcurdling scream heard for miles, said father Ignatius, My goodness gracious, I forgot the bishop had piles!

  20. there was a young lady from France,
    who found herself on a train by pure chance.
    While the engineer fucked her,
    She blew the conductor,
    And the porter went off in his pants

  21. There once was a lady named Alice
    who uses a stick of dynamite as her palace
    They found her vagina in south Carolina
    And parts of her ass in Dallas.

  22. There once was a jerkwad from Wales
    Who always excreted in pails;
    They collared the nut
    And sealed his ass shut
    With Bondo and ten-penny nails.

  23. Hickory dickory dock,
    The mouse ran up the clock,
    The mouse ran down, his arse was brown
    And so was the cuckoos cock.

  24. There once was a girl she was willing
    She once had this funny feeling
    She laid on her back
    She opened her crack
    Then pissed all over the ceiling

  25. There once was a girl from Hoboken
    Who claimed her cherry was broken
    While riding her bike on a cobblestone pike
    But it was really broken from pokin

  26. There was a diseased young stud
    Who enjoyed pulling his pud
    But whenever he yanked
    His goo always stank
    And gushed out along with some blood.

  27. There once was a man from Cork
    Who would only eat soup with a fork.
    He said it’s not good for “binness”,
    as he finished his Guinness,
    since I actually invented the Spork.

  28. There was a young lady from Neath,
    Who circumcised men with her teeth,
    It wasn’t for money,
    Or trying to be funny,
    But the cheese she found underneath!

  29. There once was a girl named Sam,
    who’s twat could swallow a can…
    She hopped up on the table,
    warmed up with a ladle,
    and shoved in the Christmas ham.

  30. There was a President known as Barak,
    who tied violin strings to his cock.
    When he got an erection
    he played a selection
    from Johann Sebastian Bach.

  31. there was a young lady from leeds who swallowed a packet of seeds in half and hour her vaginia was a flower and her arse was a bunch of weeds

  32. mary had a little lamb, she kept him in the yard.
    when she took her panties off, his wolly dick got hard!

  33. mary had a little lamb, her father shot him dead.
    now she takes him to school each day, between two pieces of bread.

  34. a fly flew through a open door of a village grocer store
    pissed on the cheese and shit on the ham
    and wiped his arse on the grocer man
    the fly flew around the window pane
    and went to shit on the ham again
    when he’d finished his dirty work
    he flew across to the lady clerk
    up her leg he took a stoll
    and took a bath in the ladys hole
    she cried out oh my you bastard fly
    you cant stay there
    she squeesed her legs and held her breath
    and the poor little fly got squashed to death

  35. there was an old women of leeds
    who swallowed a packet of seeds
    in less than an hour
    her tits was a flower
    and her fanny was covered in weeds

  36. there was three witches from kent who found a dead man in his tent, the three naughty witches pulled down the mans britches and played with his dick till it bent

  37. There was a young man from Swaffham,
    Who took out his bollocks to Wash ’em,
    And his wife said Jack,
    if you dont put them back,
    i’ll pull out a brick and squash ’em.

  38. Hickory Dickory Dock
    the mouse ran up the clock
    The clock struck one
    The other two escaped with minor injuries

  39. There was a girl named Stacky,
    She went out with a darkie.
    The results of here sins,
    were quads, not twins.
    One black, one white and two khaki.

  40. There was a girl, who begat,
    three babies,Nat, Pat and Tat.
    It was fun in breeding,
    but hell in feeding.
    There was no Tit for Tat.

  41. Hickory dickory dock, the mouse ran up the clock, the clock STRUCK one, the other two escaped with minor injuries.

  42. Mary had a little sheep, with the sheep she did sleep, the sheep turned out to be a Ram, Mary had a little lamb:)

  43. Little miss muffet sat on her tuffet, eating her curds and whey, along came a spider and sat down besider and said “What’s in the bowl bitch? “Little boy blue”— he needed the money!

  44. Old mother Hubbard went to the cupboard to get her poor dog a bone, but when she bent over, old rover took over and gave her a bone of his own.

  45. Little miss muffet sat on her tuffet
    eating her kurds and whey
    along came a spider and sat down beside her
    and said “YO Bitch! how much for a blow job?”

  46. my limericks that i created:

    There once was a Man named Obama.
    Who ate a really nasty vagina
    But the Whore that he ate, had syphillis on her taint,
    And now he is the President of the United States
    HOLY SHIT! 🙂 ha ha ha (my new limerick)

    There once was a man named Osama;
    Who could not hide from the bombs of Obama;
    Till one day when seals came to play;
    who then blew his but up to Mohammad.

    Tweedle dee, tweedle dumb
    They could not carry anymore rum
    So they hired me to run that rum
    but i drank it until i cummed,
    all over that Puerto rican Bum

    Jack be nible;
    jack be quick;
    jack jumped over the candlestick;
    but oops he slipped upon the stick;
    which went up his ass, and now he is
    jack be queer with a candlestick in his ass.

    Mary who is 21 yrs old 🙂 had a little lamb
    who’s fleece was white as snow
    then one day the whore came to play
    and i fucked her all day like a whore

    there was once a woman named Tracy
    who took too much extacy;
    As i laid down beside her;
    my prick slipped inside her
    she then screams like a banshee;
    (put it in the wrong hole) 🙂

    Hairy hairy sweet little cherry
    how i wander how old you are
    twas a blessing to lick your taint
    I shall taste you again in the morning 🙂

    Hairy hairy sweet little cherry
    how i wander how old you are
    twas a mistake to lick your taint
    now im hell a mournin. 🙂

  47. this little boy named dog swalloew a frog, but than his mother saidthat it was a log,but afther a party he sung a song, wich he stole from a grounghog,they found out it was grounghogs day on th same day as his birthday.

  48. There was a girl named clair.
    Her body was completely covered with hair.
    It was quite a fun,
    to poke her with one’s gun.
    You know, her quimmy may be anywhere!

  49. I once knew a girl from Wheeling,Who had a particular feeling,She laid on her back and tickled her crack, and pissed all over the ceiling

  50. There was a girl from Exeter
    So beautiful, that men craned their necks at her.
    One was even so brave,
    to take out and wave,
    distinguishing mark of his sex at her.

  51. Tired of her husband’s great mass,
    newly wed stuffed her vagina with glass.
    Prick of her hubby
    is now short and stubby.
    For wife, she can piss through her ass.

  52. There was a girl from Sydney.
    She could take it right up to her kedney.
    But a guy from Qubeck,
    shoved it up to her neck.
    He had a long one, didn’t he?

  53. My limeric ;D

    There once was a man from china
    Who wanted to have a vagina
    So he sat on a rock 
    And cut off his cock
    And now he’s got a manjina.

  54. There once was a gay boy name Levar.
    Who fuck mike in the back of the car.
    the horn went beep.
    they both went skeet.
    and now they can’twalkon there feet.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *